My Letter to Sarah

My sweet baby, Sarah,
I cannot find words adequate enough to express my deep love for you. I have been anticipating your arrival for years before you even started growing inside me. Heavenly Father even told me your name. The day I knew you were finally coming to join our family, was one of the happiest days of my life. My heart filled with complete joy and love. I prepared for your arrival. I even held the clothes you would wear and cradle them in my arms as if you were wearing them. I imagined how you would feel in my arms. I imagined every detail of how your presence would light up our home and our lives. How you would play with your six siblings. I mostly imagined how you would melt your daddy’s heart and snuggle between us in bed. I imagined your life on Earth and how joyous it would be.
I never imagined that Heavenly Father had a different plan for you. You are a sweet pure spirit who needed a body. You didn’t need your dresses hanging neatly in a row. You didn’t need your crib or your room that was lovingly prepared by your whole family. You simply needed a body. I thought you didn’t need me anymore now that you have your body. I was told that is not even close to the truth. I was told that every spirit child needs their Earthly parents to raise them. I just have to wait. I don’t get to miss out on raising you, I just have to wait.
I know you are in a much better place. I’m sure it’s much more joyous than what I had imagined for you. I am proud to be your mother. You are such a beautiful child of God. Every inch of your body was perfect. I love your long fingers and pointy chin. I love your little mouth and long legs. I am grateful that your brief life was peaceful. You lay on my heart while holding your daddy’s finger. You gently and quietly slipped back to your Heavenly Father’s presence. I’m so grateful that you are safe and that you will be eternally blessed in the Celestial Kingdom.
I do however miss you. My heart aches with a pain that seems unbearable. I will miss you until we are reunited. For now you are in my heart instead of my arms. I was told that you are here today and you are listening to my words to you. Words could never express all that I want you to know. It’s hard to imagine my life without you here and it’s hard to imagine what it will be like with you later, but I do know that it will be better than I could ever hope.
I am so grateful to be your mother. I got to feel you inside kicking and moving long before your birth. Nothing felt better than your little body inside of mine.
Sarah, you are part of this family and we love you very much. You will never be forgotten. Thank you for letting me love you. I love you with all my heart and I will miss you. I cherish each moment I’ve shared with you and look forward with great anticipation until the day we will be together again. You have forever changed my life and I am eternally grateful.
With all the love in my soul,
Your Mommy

This is the letter I read to my daughter at her funeral today. It has been raining and dark, but the sun was shining so brightly and the weather was perfect. So many loving people were there and I got to hug them all. I truly am loved. I held up okay during the open house after. I did however go back to the cemetery after so I could be alone with her there. They had already put her in the ground. I never ached so bad sitting there on the ground wondering "what do I do now?" I sobbed my heart out. I'm home now. The guests are gone. The kids are out playing. My husband is asleep and here I sit. What do I do now? I feel lost.