How Was Your Day?

How was your day? Mine was just wonderful. I am being facetious of course. I had to go to a meeting in the morning. As I was getting ready I knocked my wax machine off the counter. For those of you lucky enough to not be a she-man like me, let me explain. I have horrible facial hair struggles. If this is too much info, well, oh well. I use hot wax to remove it so I can look somewhat like a girl. It is sticky and ruins everything it touches except skin. All of my cords got tangled. It spilled everywhere ruining my water pic, the only skirt that really fits me, a shirt, my hair dryer, curling iron and nubulizer (for Joseph's breathing treatments). Not to mention the floor, which thank goodness it's tile, I will be scraping that for the next week. I also had it all over my hands and feet. Boy was that FUN!! I did pretty good not getting too upset. I mean, it's just stuff. I was running late by now for my meeting and I had to just go with my hair all wet and my feet, seriously, sticking to my shoes. When I came home I realized Emily was not feeling well and Joseph was wheezing so I thought it would be fine to just let them both stay home. I brought my phone to church, which I never do, so they could call if there was trouble. Not usually having a phone, I forgot to hold it in case it vibrated. Walking out from Sacrament meeting, there she was, no pants, her hair a wild mess like Medusa, and a very angry story. She was only wearing a long t-shirt and socks. I am not even joking. She continued to tell me how Joseph was trying to "strangle" her. I then looked at my phone to see 6 missed calls. I had three very frightening screaming messages from the both of them. I guess they were beating the crap out of each other. Nice. Knowing I had to be in young women's, my mom took her home and stayed with them. Then in young women's the advisor had her baby and was trying to teach. I knew I should help her with the baby, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to hold the baby. I felt like such a jerk. She was probably wondering why I wasn't helping her and being so rude. The truth is, I am having such a difficult time right now with my grief. The holidays are really not helping. I just could not bring myself to hold that baby. I just couldn't do it. I knew I should, but I couldn't. I hope that poor woman isn't offended by my weakness. I came home and sobbed because of it. Because of all of it. I can't stand hearing about or looking at babies. That is as honest as I can be. I can't stand it. I can't stand people complaining about pregnancies. I can't stand a lot of things right now. This is my problem, I'm aware of that. I know people aren't doing anything wrong. It is just my pain and I have to get through it. I feel as if my pain is invisible to others a lot of the time. I feel alone in my grief and I just want to scream to the world sometimes, "Don't you see how much I hurt?" So I guess this is my scream. I hope your day was better than mine and I hope tomorrow is better for me. I do have perfectly lovely days sometimes........and other times, not so much! I do thank those that are so supportive and loving to me as I stumble along this rocky road. You are my angels and I cherish you!