Yesterday was 9/11. It is a sad day for our family because it is the day that my step-dad died. Not the same year. He was a wonderful man who was the love of my mom's life and the Grandpa my kids adored. It took me many years, but to me he was starting to feel like a dad. I even named Joseph after him. He died of cancer right before Emily was born. Christopher and him were best friends. My mom decided to try to find some home videos to see him and hear his voice. While doing this I discovered that Josh was on the video too. I watched him interacting with Christopher and the tears couldn't help, but flow. Oh how I miss that man, the daddy to my babies. By this time, the kids were in the room studying every movement and sound of their daddy. Joseph became overwhelmed with grief. He started asking why his family has so many trials. He kept telling me about his friends and how hard it is for him to watch their interactions with their dad's. He wants it so badly. Dennis is not the "fatherly" type and he does not meet this need in my children's lives. They just resent him trying anyways, so even when Dennis tries so hard to be close, they push him away and won't accept him in that role. Joseph then came to say this, "I thought that I remembered my dad, but I guess I really don't. His voice doesn't sound like I thought and even how he looks is different." He has pictures, but I guess maybe it was his mannerisms that he didn't recognize. Oh my heart broke into a million pieces. He sobbed and just kept asking me questions about Josh. He then asked for something of his dad's to keep with him. I gave him Josh's wedding ring and put it on a chain. He was so delighted to have it and said that he would never take it off. I hope he doesn't lose it because it would devastate him and there isn't another one. Emily has been sad and she cried herself last night. It is the worst feeling of helplessness as a mother to not be able to "fix" our children's hearts. I guess Heavenly Father must feel the same way when we ache. I bet it is so hard for Him to not "fix" things for us and just watch us suffer. I just read Abby's post and it was similar to this experience for my children and for a mother's heart. I couldn't leave a comment, Abby. My computer is being weird. Just know you are not alone and that I so get it!
5 comments:
Oh Mindy. I'm sorry. That is hard. And there is absolutely nothing that can be done for now. Just know that you and your family are always in my prayers. Love you.
You and your sweet family have experienced so much pain. I am in amazement ALWAYS at how loving and helpful you all are to others even when you are dealing with your own pain. Just know that you have friends that love you like family and pray for you.
Having had grieving children myself, I know how hard it is to see them suffer and not be able to do anything. It's such a truly helpless feeling to see the pain in their eyes, especially when they see friends that don't have to face things so difficult and don't understand. I try to remember that's how Heavenly Father feels about me and you. He loves you and your sweet family and although the aches of all you've had to suffer will never go away in this life, I just know you have many wonderful things waiting for you in the next. It's going to be amazing! I love you, my sweet friend.
This post tore my heart up. Don't we all wish we could reach in and heal our kids and prevent their pain? I wish I could answer all the "why?" questions. Or better yet, I wish I had a magic wand I could wave and make everything glittery and perfect. You're kids are lucky to have a mom like you! Hang in there. Lots of love to you.
I have been slacking in my blog reading duties! I love you!!
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