Six Months

So, today marks six months since my beautiful daughter, Sarah quietly slipped into and out of this Earth. It has been a rough six months and I am learning that the ups and downs won't be over any time soon. I have, however, made great progress. Heavenly Father has blessed me with peace in my pain. I have gone through so many frustrations along this sometimes lonely journey. I think the most frustrating is when people confuse the death of my daughter with a miscarriage. A miscarriage I'm sure is very painful. I just want to clarify for anyone who is confused. My baby, Sarah, was born alive. I held her in my arms as I watched her take breaths. Opening her tiny mouth and taking them in. I held her as she slowly slipped back into Heavenly Father's presence. She is my child. I miss her. If you have ever had children, remember the first few minutes after your child's birth. They joy! Imagine that it ended right there. That was it. That's all the time you got with that child here on Earth. I met her. I love her. I do not understand why people act as if she was less important than any other child. I am learning that people do not not understand death. They don't understand one bit the suffering. It hurts that people that I consider friends and are family act so cold and indifferent to my pain. I am, however surrounded by loving, wonderful people that have been the greatest love and support I could have ever asked for. I just sometimes get blindsided, like today by those who really don't care. I'm grateful that I am given opportunities to heal. Heavenly Father has given me that opportunity through genuine service. My friend's sister had a baby. I felt compelled to give her a few of Sarah's things. I wrapped the pieces carefully with a big lump in my throat. When Joesph left with the gift, I cried. I felt good, but it was difficult. The next day, I found out that this baby girl was very sick and in the NICU. She had ups and downs, but is finally home and very healthy. I felt a genuine love and concern for this baby. I prayed for her. These things are all new and wonderful. I met her today for the first time. I even brought her a couple more of Sarah's things. She was wrapped in Sarah's blanket wearing one of her headbands. I wept, but not with pain. I felt joy knowing that some sweet girl could use Sarah's things. I watched Joseph as he held that baby. He looked so beautiful. It broke my heart. I wanted that to be his sister he was holding and looking at so lovingly. I did hold her. It wasn't terrible at the time. I felt okay. Then. Later today I just lost it. I cried so hard I almost threw up. I couldn't breathe I was crying so hard. I hurt so bad. It is baby steps. Those waves of incredible pain still hit me. Just when I thought. "I'm doing so good. I feel so at peace." The waves of emotion are like the waves of the ocean. They change in strength and depth and direction all the time. I am just hanging by a thread sometimes and sometimes I feel my strength. Sometimes I feel so much pain and other times I feel as if I am so at peace that I shine. I feel bright sometimes. Does that make any sense to you. Tomorrow night I am attending a wonderful memorial. If you have ever read " The Christmas Box" you will know what I'm talking about. The author of that book actually dedicated the Angel at this cemetery. Every year they do a ceremony to remember all of the children who died that year. I will write about it tomorrow after we go. I love doing anything that has to do with my daughter. Happy Six Months, Sarah! I love you!