911

I don't know why a lot of things have happened in my life. The only thing I do know is that my children are my everything. I have had to feel the sting of thinking they were all going to die and my Sarah did. Joseph was my first almost death. The doctors told us that he would surely die. I was in the hospital with him at 20 weeks gestation and he was already in the birth canal. That little boy held on for six more weeks while I lay motionless and helpless just waiting for his death. Even after he was born at 2 pounds they gave him grim odds of survival or quality of life. He is truly a gift, a miracle, a joy straight from Heavenly Father. The next happened during my pregnancy with Emily. I started bleeding. So much that it was running down my legs and filling my socks with blood. When I got to the ER they said I had lost the baby. They sent me into ultrasound for the final verification and there she was.....doing flips. I mean literally she was flipping all around like a crazy person. They have no medical explanation for what happened. Which is exactly the phrase one of my doctors said with Joseph. He said, "I don't know what you believe, but there is no medical explanation for why you are still pregnant." Emily was born and things were just fine until she was 2. She had the strangest behavior and no doctor took me seriously. It was just a few days after she turned three that I took her to the emergency room and told them that I would not leave until they told me what was wrong with my daughter. They treated me like the crazy mom and ran a few tests. A now humble doctor came in and told us of the huge mass on my daughters brain. death was imminent. Surgery needed to be done within a few hours. They didn't know if she would even live through the surgery. I had to kiss that little girl like it was the last time I would see her alive. She made it through and does have some damage to her brain which we have to deal with daily and believe me it is a challenge especially for her. Then next was Sarah. She did die and that has been the most heart wrenching experience of my life. I am still hurting and the pain is still very fresh at times. Last night, I thought Christopher might be dead. I heard a big thug upstairs and I told Dennis to check and see if Chris had fallen. He thought I was being strange to think that, but went upstairs to find Chris laying facing down on the ground. I ran upstairs and tried to arouse him with no response. I rolled him over because I seriously couldn't tell if he was breathing. I thought he could be dead. I screamed his name and kept trying to get some response while Dennis called 911 and Joseph looked on. Emily was asleep through everything, thank goodness. I finally saw his chest rise and fall and could feel his heart beating rapidly, but still no response. When the ambulance arrived he was still unresponsive. It took them a while, but he started to wake a little, but was incoherent. I rode in the ambulance with Chris. It was all I could do not to break down and start crying. I was scared. Joseph was at home crying and I wanted to comfort him so badly, but couldn't be in two places at the same time. He was so scared for his brother. It took a few hours before Christopher gained full cognition. He had many friends right there by his side in the ER. They ruled out many things and came to the conclusion it was a probable seizure. He will have an EEG on his brain Monday. He received a blessing and there was much talk after from our Bishop and counselor about Chris getting better for his mission. Chris was out of it, but said, "I'm going on a mission. I promised Him." I asked him several times who "Him" was and finally he said in a quiet voice, "Heavenly Father". I don't know if that means he has been praying a lot and talking to his Heavenly Father or if he spoke with him for a brief moment last night. Either way it's good to know my 18 year old speaks to his Father in Heaven. I will ask him later when he wakes up. He is still asleep. We didn't get home until about 4ish and I am tired, but can't sleep. I just got Joseph off to school. I let him sleep late. It was a scary night. I hope we can get some answers soon. For now he can't drive or do much of anything alone. I am grateful he was safe at home last night when this happened. Having also had a spouse die, I have looked into the face of death many times over the past decade. I keep thinking about what I'm supposed to be learning. I'm still not quite sure. I have learned that life is precious and fragile and should be cherished and never taken for granted. I have also learned that my life will never be what I had hoped for, but I need to make sure what I do have I learn to appreciate better because just when you think the best parts have been taken away, a reminder comes to show you that you have more to lose and those are the precious gifts that need our focus. Heavenly Father knows what he is doing. I don't. I just hope I can do the things necessary to receive the promptings when they come. I didn't mean for a long depressing post, but I was just feeling overwhelmed by my experiences and needed to let them out.