Being Part of a Family

What does it mean to be part of a family? I thought I knew when I was a kid. We would go to my grandparent"s house and cousins and aunt and uncles would come down from Utah. We would have dinners and play and spend hours being together. It didn't happen that often, but when it did, it was great. I felt like I belonged and I was just as important as everyone else there. My mom's side of the family we only saw great grandparents here and there. We had no contact with anyone else. I had few extended family gatherings compared to my friends it seemed. When my parents got divorced. My family went away. I was just a kid and all of the aunts, uncles, cousins, everything stopped. My dad didn't like me so I was never invited and not one adult cared enough about me to make contact. I felt like I wasn't part of the family anymore. To this day, I am not included in that family. So, two sides of a family and I guess I don't matter enough to either. I wanted things to be different for my kids. I wanted my kids to always feel loved and part of their family. I couldn't provide much of an extended family, but I would start with me. Chris has a huge extended family, but if he is not directly with his dad, no contact. When I married Josh I thought it was wonderful. For the first time I felt like I was part of a family. We had family get togethers with cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, the works. It was so good for my kids. After Josh died everyone acted like my kids would always be part of the family and they would make extra efforts for these fatherless babies. Josh's aunt would send them little treats, his cousin would come visit, everyone made us feel loved and welcome. After we moved to California we become obsolete. No Christmas cards, phone calls and most certainly no visits. We have however been a pit stop for an hour here and there. My children's grandmother, Josh's mom, has had no trouble driving from Colorado to California to visit her parents and has flown out there several times in the past five years, but never here to see the only children of her dead son. A few weeks ago, with no notice she stops by on their way to California to see other "valuable, visitable, important" people. She stayed for about an hour. An hour! She hasn't seen her grandkids in almost 5 years! I was disgusted. We were all so happy to see her. My children adore her and I don't think she has any clue how important her role in their life should be. We were the pit stop not the destination. My kids are apparently not worth, in their lives, enough to be the destination. How does that happen? I have flown out to Colorado with them and driven to California to meet them when they cam down. For the past five years I have never been made to know when they were going to California so we could go down with them or were visited. Josh's sister, who lives across the street from his mom has come for an hour before too, both times on other trips and we were NOT the reason for the visits. I am writing this because I just saw on facebook that his sister, who told me she would stop by on her trip to California is now back home in Colorado. No call, no visit. Nothing. My kids are excluded from everything. Wouldn't you want to love them more if they don't have their dad? Who knows. I don't know what is wrong with us that we are so unwanted. When we are with all of these people, they are kind and loving and make you feel so good, but don't make any efforts to see you for years on end. I know this sounds like a complaining session, but I know that his mom reads this sometimes and I am hoping she will see how hurt I am for my kids that need to be included, probably more than anyone else and just aren't. Hey it hurts me too. I love his mom and family. I loved being part of it. I just wish I knew how to feel like we were part of it. I never want to say anything because who wants someone being kinder because you are hurt?" I want them to visit because they love my kids so much nothing could keep them away. I have friends who make us a destination and that is wonderful. I just hope someday my kids can be a destination instead of the pit stop. Haven't they been gypped enough?

DIAGNOSIS!!!!!!!!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasovagal_syncope

We got our confirmed diagnosis today. VasoVagel Syncope. You can read about it in the above link. He had his final test today. It required him to be strapped to a table in an upright position and they tried to make him faint. He did. They were able to see what happens to his body during an episode because he is hooked up to monitors. They were also able to see how he has seizure like actions when he wakes up and how non coherent he is. All normal reactions to this type of blood and oxygen deprivation of the brain. He has a few things like more water and salt intake and some compression socks and some exercises he can do as the start of the treatment. The doctor, who by the way is so RUDE, said he wants to try these things first before they move on to medications. . He is a specialist and he is good and diagnosed Chris quickly, but is just a plain old jerk. This also means that he should have no medical reason to not go on a mission. I am relieved and thrilled to know what is happening to my son. Thank you all so much for your prayers. They have been answered and so have mine. On this subject anyway.

Best Father's Day Ever

Father's Day is not my favorite holiday. I, in fact, detest this holiday. I grew up with a very abusive father. I did go to church when I was little for a very short time and I remember having to sing the "I'm so glad when daddy comes home" song. It made me a little disgusted. I hated when my dad came home because it was just a matter of time before he beat the crap out of me. It wasn't until I was married and celebrated the father of my babies that I began to find joy in this holiday. It was short lived and now father's day is a painful reminder of the father my children have to live without and the father I live with, without our child. Let's just say, it's a rough day for my little family. Today was different. Today changed everything. Today, I witnessed one of the most amazing, beautiful things of my life. Christopher conferred the Aaronic priesthood on Joseph and ordained him a Deacon. That came with a beautiful blessing given by my first born son. The tears were falling rapidly as I felt the spirit prompting Christopher. His first blessing will never be forgotten. He did it with ease and confidence. The spirit guided him eloquently and beautifully. Christopher acted as a father for his brother today. Nothing could have been more perfect to me. Joseph looks up to Chris. Dennis is their step father. As much as I would love for him to be close to my kids like a father, it just isn't like that. Yet. I hope someday things will change. Emily is mean to him. She hates anyone who isn't her daddy. She did hug him today though and said some nice things to him. That was huge. All of the kids said some nice things, but it just isn't the same as their dad. Chris is the next best thing to his brother and sister. There is no one on this earth that could have meant so much to Joseph on this special day he received the priesthood. A mother's heart is full and proud. I am proud of my two worthy priesthood holder sons. Chris and I are taking Joseph with some of the YW on Thursday to the temple for the first time. What a special day that will be as well. I am grateful for the gospel and the joy it brings to the lives of my family. What a blessed day!

Happy Birthday Joseph

Joseph Turned 12 on Monday! I can't believe it. He was my 2 pound 26 week preemie who was not supposed to be here. Look at him now. We got him a nice bike for his birthday. His friend came with us to pick it out. You can see Dennis paying in the background. He said it was the nicest birthday present he ever received. He is right about that!
That night we took him to a movie. He chose A-Team. Well, really he chose Karate Kid, but his big brother convinced him otherwise. He then wanted to eat at Wingers. It must be his favorite restaurant. His friend spent the night and from the sound of it downstairs, they had a wild time!

The big party was the next day. I just didn't know how big it was going to be. We printed up invites on the computer and Joseph called and texted people. There were over 30 kids!! It was a WILD, but great time!

Joseph and his friends smashed cake in their faces. I should have more pictures, but the party was too wild. We roasted hot dogs and smores over the fire pit. He got a ton of gifts. I love this bag from one of the girls!. It was a long tiring night, but a party I don't think he will ever forget. He better not forget because I never want to throw one like this again!! Too much work! He's worth it though! Happy Birthday Joseph. We Love You!!!!!

A New Friend and a Graduate

When my mom moved out she took her dog with her. Dennis started missing her. I asked him if he would want a dog for Father's Day. He said only if it was a beagle. So, on FHE Dennis was working and the kids and I found this great deal on an 8 week beagle puppy. He is playful and curious and a lot of work. I forgot how much and think "what did I do" sometimes, but he is part of our family now. We let Dennis name him because it is his dog (a dog he really doesn't want and certainly doesn't want to have to take care of). He named him "COPPER". I think he is starting to grow on Dennis.

All of the kids adore him!

Dennis with his thoughtful gift! Ha! The kids gave him some great company on his first night in his new home. Anyone who wants to walk or play with our puppy, just let me know!

He did it!!! He graduated! This last year has been so difficult for Chris medically that he could not graduate with his class two weeks ago. It has been hard for him. Although he has been reassured by doctors, family and friends that it was out of his hands and no one looked down on him, he couldn't help feeling down on himself. We went to the adult school and got all of his credits readjusted. He did some work and took some tests and he is now the proud recipient of a high school diploma. We are so excited and proud of him. I am mostly excited that he is relieved and able to move forward. At least in this area. He is still not feeling well quite often. He gets his heart monitor off tomorrow and he will see the cardiologist for the results next Monday. I hope we have something more definitive by then.

As a result of our excitement for this milestone for Christopher, we celebrated! We gave him a graduation party last night. All of his friends were there. I didn't get pictures after all of the teenagers arrived I realized. We kind of let them do their thing. I did hang out towards the end though. He has some crazy, but amazing friends!

Christopher had his senior photos taken and his announcements done. I think they turned out great. What a handsome young man. Congratulations Christopher! We love you and are so proud of the person that you are!

Happy Birthday Sarah

One year ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She died 15 minutes later. I have ached for her everyday of the past year. It has been a hard trial for me, but today I realized just how hard it is for our whole family.
My friend, Katrina, brought these flowers by for Sarah and I. I set them on the piano by her lovely picture. My friend Alesha brought me some bath salts and a sweet angel bell for Sarah.

My friend Stephanie sent these from California for me and Dennis brought these pink roses to me from Sarah.

My friend SuetWan brought this Pooh Bear for Sarah and I found it on her grave.

We celebrated our love for her at the cemetery. We let balloons go up to heaven for her.

We all wrote her special letters that we read and put in a box on her gravestone. You can read my letter after this picture.

My Sweet Baby Sarah, June 5, 2010
Happy Birthday! One year ago today I was blessed to become your mother. Every moment of your brief life I have ingrained in my mind and heart. Your life was slipping away before it even began. I cherish those moments of breath I was able to watch you take as you lie on my heart. I had hoped for so much more time with you in this life, but it was not be so. Your destination was far more wonderful than this earth. I’m glad you are safe and bound for Celestial glory. That is the hope of any mother for her child. I miss you more than words can express. I hope you know the love I have for you in my heart. I cannot wait until the time when we can be reunited. My memories of you are very few. I hurt and ache to know you and be with you. There is a piece of me with you that is not here with me anymore. I am trying to get used to the new person I am without that missing piece. I have struggled with my faith and testimony at times. It is a hard thing to understand. Thank you for preparing me before I even knew who you were for this experience. It has strengthened my testimony in knowing that this is Heavenly Fathers will and plan for your life. I know so many things about how we will be together again and the plan of salvation in my mind. My heart is falling far behind and does not have the same comprehension. Maybe one day it will catch up with my mind. I have muddled through this year trying to honor you the best way I could. There were times I even gave some of your things away to other little baby girls. I know you don’t need those things, but it was hard to do. I felt like you would be happy seeing your things go to sweet baby girls who weren’t as lucky as you to skip this earthly experience. As I prepared for this day, it became more painstakingly clear that I am so at a loss as to what to do to be your mom. I want to do for you as mother’s do for their children. Doing for my children is what I live for. I go to stores and search for things and I just cry because I feel so unable to serve you my sweet Sarah. I know to live righteously and prepare to be worthy to live with you would be the way to go, but I just have these empty arms that want to nurture you. I am far from being worthy to live with you, but I am working on it. I have decided that instead of bringing you flowers here to your graveside I will give them to others to brighten their day. I know how wonderful it feels to receive flowers. It brightens up my day. Bringing flowers and setting them here on the ground only to come and find them dead in a few days does little to ease my heart. I feel that if I brought flowers in your honor to people I think might need them to brighten up their day it might lift my heart a little more and I believe you would enjoy seeing these flowers going to brighten others lives. Much the same way your little things have gone to other baby girls. I have done that quite a few time over this last year, but I want to make it official today. I am calling it the “Sarah Sunshine” program. Whenever I have that longing to do something for you Sarah I will go brighten someone’s day in your honor. It brings me great joy to even think about it. I sent someone flowers that needs their day brightened today for you. I am putting a little figurine on your grave today with the title “Love is Patient” I love you enough to wait to be your mother until the millennium. I hope my waiting can be more peaceful as time goes on. You are not here with us physically, but you are here with this family always. We talk about you and have your picture centered in our living room so you can be a part of our lives daily. You will always be remembered, loved and greatly missed until we meet again. I know you are with the Lord and He is looking after you my sweet angel . Happy Birthday beautiful daughter. Your mommy loves you.
Love,
Your Mom

Joseph was too emotional to read his and Emily cried while reading hers. Dennis even bought her this tiara for her birthday. Her big sister's, Christine and Stephanie brought her a little doggie with her name sewn on. I bought gourmet cupcakes and had this one decorated especially for Sarah. It even has her name on it. Shopping and preparing for these festivities was not an easy task. I broke down and left a dozen stores in tears. It is a hard thing to prepare for. I miss my daughter so much. Joseph went off by himself and couldn't stop crying. I didn't know his sweet heart was hurting so much. All of the siblings were tender and tearing up. It was a sweet celebration, but it brought up a lot of emotion as well. We all miss our sweet daughter/sister.

Our wonderful friends, the Fronks, came to celebrate with us. Their niece is staying for the summer and Emily and her have become great friends. What a blessing to have such a great friend for Emily this summer. The letter Chris wrote is under this picture. The other letters I don't have a copy of. They are in Sarah's box at the cemetery, but they were sweet and heart wrenching to hear at the same time. Joseph and Emily proclaimed their love and how much they miss her. My heart hurt for them.

Precious princess,
You have definitely changed your family’s lives from the minute we found out about you. Your short time on this earth took you so far baby girl, you are a perfect being, a perfect angel, and a perfect part of this family. We all cannot wait to hold you in our arms and join you in the celestial kingdom where you wait for us. Although we know you are happy and are in a much, much better place than we are, we do still miss you and sometimes long for you. Especially our sweet mother who loves nothing more than her babies. I hope on this day you feel honored and loved, and we will try to show you that our hearts do not just feel sadness, but joy as we have you to look forward to and look to you for example, so that we may join you eventually. I want you to know, Sarah, that you have changed me for the better, and have opened my eyes to so many things, and most importantly have been a huge blessing for me to know, and be related to a celestial being such as yourself, it’s nothing short of a miracle. On this day one year ago I held your little body and made you a promise that I will do what it takes to live my life so that I may hold your spirit when the time comes. The little breaths you took, took you really far sweet child, I’ll never forget it, or you, or the blessing you are.
Love,
Your big brother, Christopher

When we got home from the cemetery we had a special delivery from my great friend, Jamie, and her family. It is so beautiful I set it up on the piano for the picture and her little head is right next to it, but I am taking them to the cemetery for Sarah later tonight. I got some very sweet emails and comments on facebook. Thank you for all of you that remembered my Sarah's birthday and the tender day it is in our lives. Your love has lifted us and helped us celebrate the love we have for Sarah Marie Ige. Happy Birthday my sweet daughter. I love you! We all love you!

He Did it Again!

Wow, this post is way passed due. Last Saturday night, Chris passed out again. He said that he wasn't feeling very well and that he felt "heavy" and light headed. I had Dennis take him downstairs to the couch so I could watch him. He lost consciousness right as he got to the couch. He was only unconscious for under a minute this time, but when he woke up he would not respond to us. He was clutching his chest and couch cushions like he was in pain with no response. I tried to lay him flat, but it was difficult. I wanted to drive him to the hospital, but I didn't know what to do. I got our neighbor thinking he could help me get him to the car, but it was no use. Chris was gasping for air and shaking and not responding. My neighbor called 911 while we tried to get Chris to respond. Another great trip to the ER. His vital signs were great and they didn't want to run any more tests because they had access to all the ones they had already run. They checked his blood work and of course, it looked perfect. They gave him another heart monitor to wear at home. He will wear it for 2 weeks. I am trying to get him to be as active as possible while he is wearing the monitor so it can hopefully pick something up. I let him do "supervised" activities. I even sent him to 7 peaks with his friend, a life guard. He came back tired, but seemingly okay. When we go back for the heart monitor results I hope to have some answers or I may pull my hair out. He does seem to be doing much better. Even in the craziness I feel a certain peace. I get very upset when we are in the ambulance and I know something is just not right, but I do feel a peace that things will be okay. It has been a rough week with trying to prepare for Sarah's birthday tomorrow, but there was some good news. Chris was not able to graduate with everyone else due to the medical problems this year. We went down to the adult school at UVU and found out that he had way less to do than they thought. He was even able to test out of some packets. He took an assessment tests to see if he could test out of packets and he received the highest score possible. Way to go Chris and way to go on being completely done and getting your diploma next week. What a sigh of relief for him and me too. I have to recognize these little blessings or I may lose my mind!