Sunday, July 31, 2011
Twelve years ago when I was pregnant with Emily, I got Gestational Diabetes. It usually goes away once you give birth. Mine did not. I have had diabetes for 12 years and live like I don't. When I first got it, I did pretty good. Over the past several years, especially since Sarah died, I have been ignoring it. I don't know why. I guess I have suffered so much depression that I can barely take care of others, let alone myself. I have totally forgotten myself. I refuse to look in mirrors. I want to be invisible. I eat whatever I want which is what makes me happy and what makes me miserable. I guess I don't value myself too much. Since I feel like such a fat loser I don't do anything for myself. I don't even use my nice body wash because I don't feel like I am worth it where I am at. It is so hard taking care of me and feeling worth it. My blood sugar has gotten so out of control that I am killing myself. Literally, killing myself. My sugar was so high that I thought if I took extra medication it would bring my sugar down. I was wrong. It made me so sick that I had to go to the hospital yesterday. The nurse helping me has Diabetes and works for the Diabetes Endocrinology Center. I can tell you without a doubt that she was sent by Heavenly Father to chastise me. First of all, I never go to AF Hospital, but felt this time I should go there. She chastised me in the most loving, yet firm way. I sobbed and felt so loved. I finally feel the seriousness of what is happening to me and feel the need to make myself a priority. My children need me and I am letting them down. I need to overcome this depression and be the best me I can. I have diabetes and I am going to live like I do. I can't keep hiding. I need to find my value and maybe even use some fancy body wash today. You never know.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
My kids have been asking for a backyard pool for a long time. Dennis always has a million reasons why it is not a good idea. I have held off due to cost, but yesterday at Walmart they had these pools on serious clearance. My mom decided to buy this for the kids. They were ecstatic! It took us ALL night plus the morning to set it up. At one point this morning we had 12 kids between the jacuzzi and pool. I love it! I love having kids over having fun. I do have to stay out there for my own peace of mind when younger kids are in it so I have to limit little kid swimming time to when I am available, but the big kids have been the pool ALL day! Emily was so happy when her lifeguard Barbie came in the mail. We ordered her last week and never knew Barbie would have such a big pool to watch over. The boys were begging to play with the Barbie. They are so funny. The boys have already planned a party for Friday night. I guess the pool is a hit. Thank you Nanny!!!! You made a lot of kids happier and cooler!!!