Happy Birthday Dad

 Yesterday was Josh's birthday. Emily and Joseph always get so excited to celebrate. They picked out their dad's favorite carrot cake.

 They picked out some fun balloons.

 They sent them up to heaven. I know he is smiling down on his sweet children who cherish him. I wish I could see that smile. 

This was a picture we took at a Walmart one time just being silly. Oh how I miss you Joshua Barker. We all do!!!

If you notice in the pictures Emily's smile looks funny. That is because she can't close her mouth. She got an orthodic today. She hates it and cried most of the evening because she couldn't chew or anything. She said that she was going to starve to death. Poor girl. Only six months and then her braces. She also lisps and drools with it on. Did I mention she can only take it out to brush her teeth? Her attitude seems to be getting better about it. We will see.

Raising Awareness

 On April 10th we were in San Diego for spring break. We decided to join the effort in raising awareness of the company TOM'S and what they are all about. TOM'S is a shoe company and every time you purchase a pair of TOM'S, they send a pair of shoes to children in the world who need shoes. I love this company and what they stand for. They also give sight to someone in need when you buy a pair of their sunglasses. The shoes are also very comfortable and my kids and I love them.

 We were fortunate to have it easy that day. We spent most of our day at the beach and pool. We did go to a restaurant and Target. There were times we all stepped on rocks and felt just the tiniest pain. It gave us all a greater appreciation of how hard it must be to not have shoes. My sister didn't let her boys do it the whole time because she didn't want their feet to get hurt or dirty.   There are children all over the world who get diseases that are from the soil and absorb through their bare feet. My kids appreciate their shoes a little more.

 If you have never heard of this company or haven't seen their video on their website, I urge you to do so. Small choices make big differences.

 Last night was "Cover the Night". It was an awareness campaign to help the world become educated on who Joseph Kony is and what terror he causes and has been doing so for 26 years. The campaign called for covering the city with flyers and posters with Kony's name so anyone who doesn't know who he is will find out. My kids and some of their friends helped me put up several posters around town. The kids have seen the "KONY 2012" video and wanted to help.

 This is Joseph Kony. He is the worst of the worst. He is a war lord who abducts children from their homes and turns them into sex slaves and arms them with guns and makes them kill. He makes these little children mutilate peoples faces and kill their own parents. If you haven't done so, please go to the "Invisible Children" website and watch the movie. 

 I know it is hard to think that our small acts of awareness matter, but they do. If my efforts do nothing more than raise awareness to my children that the world is so much bigger than theirs and that others suffer, I have made a difference. My children want to make a difference. They feel the same passion as I do as we do our small part to raise awareness and do something, albeit small, to change our world. I hope to keep my children and self informed of the world around us and not be blinded by the luxuries we enjoy as citizens of the great country we live. We not just United States Citizens, we are world citizens, human citizens and brothers and sisters in Zion. Find a cause, any cause you feel strongly about and act. We can all make a difference.

Family Update

Emily

Emily has had the greatest school year this year. She is doing her homework right away and did a wonderful job on her science fair project displayed above. She has gotten along better with her peers and has stayed out of trouble. So, when I got a call from the principal I was quite surprised. It was a day she asked to stay home because she was afraid of some kids she said were being mean to her. I made her go. I guess one of those kids was in Emily's face calling her horrible names. So, Emily pushed her. The girl then pulled her hair. Then they were both sent to the office and were both suspended. I get why, but feel it was so unfair to Emily who felt cornered. I didn't get mad at her. She was so upset. She felt like her great year she worked so hard on was tarnished. I brought her to the principal for a chat so she could express her feelings. The principal knows Emily well and he listened and was very positive with her. She decided to go back to school after that talk. Before that she was refusing. Emily struggles in so many areas in her life. I try to advocate for her, but it is not easy when her behavior can be undesirable. Half the time she is a teenager and the other half a very little girl. We just finished 7th grade registration and I am terrified of what next year holds for her. I love my little girl who makes me laugh more than anyone and makes me more frustrated than anyone. I wish more people understood her. Let me tell you, there is no one in the world like my daughter. She is unique and I adore her!!!

Joseph

Joseph is my independent boy. He is always on the go. He has a million friends and people just like him. He has just loved being in student council this year so he ran again for next year. I was so nervous for him because he wanted it so badly. He also tried out for Footnotes, an advanced choir too. He was going to find out on the same day so I got him a cake for no matter what the outcome. Even if he lost the cake would be accurate. Well, guess what? He made it into Footnotes and on student council. He and I were thrilled. I was so happy he made it and isn't afraid to go for it in life. He is turning more teenagerish. He isn't as helpful at home and is in his own world. I guess that isn't really too bad for a teen, right? He is going to EFY this summer and I think he will love it. I love my sweet boy who also does service every week. He really is a good boy. I am so proud of him.

 Canyon View had a 7th grade assembly day where all the 6th grade classes came. Being in student council, Joseph was in the assembly so my mom and I went to watch and Emily came and sat with us. Joseph brought my pink suitcase and was zipped in and popped out to display inappropriate clothing. He also danced......

 ......and then turned out the lights and they did a glow stick dance. The whole assembly was so fun. At times Emily was laughing super hard. It was so fun to sit with her and see her reactions and see Joseph perform.

Christopher

Christopher has had some adventures lately. He went out to Alabama to work. He was selling ADT alarm systems. He was very excited because a friend of his made a ton of money doing this. It was Christopher's first time on his own and of course I worried. I knew it was the best thing for him, but still, I worried. He learned quite a bit about racism and how segregated people are in some places still today. He was very shook up about the hatred and things he was told. He just couldn't believe how sad these small minded people are. How they view murder of a certain race as no big deal. He called me so many times with these stories. I was scared for him being in that environment. There were even shootings that the residents just viewed as a normal no big deal happening. Also, tornado's heading his way. Needless to say, I wanted him home. I never let him know because I wanted to support his efforts. Then the next problem, sales. Christopher got into lots of homes, but most couldn't pass the credit. He got frustrated, but I encouraged him to keep praying and keep going. It got to the point where sales were not enough to sustain him and he decided to come home. My heart sank because this boy just can't handle another "failure". I have tried so hard to convince him that the only failure is when you don't try. He seems positive, but I won't know until he actually gets home. He flew to his dad's in California for a couple weeks until I pick him up on spring break. I can't wait to see him. He really has struggled since every single one of his friends went out on a mission. It has been heartbreaking to watch him struggle. At his last friends setting apart I started crying my eyes out. Not because I would miss this boy, but because I hurt for my son who was going to be left behind the tears flowed. I had to leave I couldn't stop crying. With all these missionaries leaving, there is a lot of talk about the great mothers behind these missionary boys. It has left me feeling like a loser mom. I know that is my issue, but every time I hear it, I feel the twist of the knife. There was one kind man that pulled Christopher aside at this setting apart and let him know that he doesn't have to be a missionary to become a great man and there are many ways he can still be a missionary. That meant so much to me. Christopher needed that. This same great man bore his testimony today about two of his sons. One is on a mission and one didn't go. He talked about how the son that didn't go on a mission was going to be just fine and was just as wonderful of a person as the son on the mission. I so needed to hear that today. It did my heart good to know that not everyone is looking down on me or my son. It is so hard to live here in Orem and not have your children judged on a checklist that makes them "a good person". I have one perfect child and she lives in heaven. Joseph may meet most of those check marks, but my other two will never conform to those types of expectations. They are no less because of it. I think some people forget that Heavenly Father loves us all the same. No one is better than anyone. Especially me. I have a lot of growing to do. I love my oldest son more than I can say. He has been with me since I was 17 years old and we have grown up together. I can't wait to get him home so he can set off for his next adventure. I am his biggest fan!

Me

I am setting off on my own new adventure. I am starting school next week. I am excited and nervous. Dennis really doesn't want me to go, but I feel very strongly that this is the time. He is coming around and has agreed to go to my orientation with me this week. I am going in to the paralegal certification program at Broadview University. A small private career college. I also need to start another adventure called getting healthy. This one is much harder for me, but I am going to keep going and not give up. I know I can do it, bit have this block and I need to break through it. It will be a seriously hard struggle, but I am going to do it. Wish me luck. 

Dennis & Kids

Dennis  is doing well. He is having a hard time still finding full time work. He does work two part time jobs. One at the jail and one at the Provo Temple. He really loves the Temple so I am glad he gets to work there. He is patient and kind and he puts up with me and my crazy crew. Dennis' kids are doing pretty good as well. Andrew has bought a home in Las Vegas and will be moving this month. We will miss him. Christine is busy at school and heading towards medical school. Stephanie is going to school as well. My mom just got the perfect job and is doing well. Annabelle is getting old and slow, but will still bark at the strangers oh okay and everyone she knows. She is our lazy guard dog. Sarah is still in heaven and I miss her daily. She is the best part of our family. Now you know what is going on with my family. Good and bad and everywhere in between. I love them all dearly!

My Little Valentine

 Today is the day Emily has been waiting for. She has wanted to go to the sixth grade Valentine's Dance for a few years now and the day finally arrived.

 For P.E. the sixth graders practiced several dances for this special day. It was quite impressive. Emily did very well. Her first couple dances were done very seriously with no trace of a smile.

 After a while she began to relax and smile. She was excellent! She did the Waltz, the Cha Cha, the Swing, Electric Slide, Slap Leather, and a few more.

The boys and girls took turns asking each other to dance. I even noticed a boy "cutting in" while Emily was dancing with someone else.

 

 Emily let loose and did some fun freestyle dancing!

 YMCA

Emily had fun dancing with her friends too!

 Emily won the award for the best Electric Slide. Joseph won that same award at his sixth grade Valentine's Dance. He said that they have the butt for it. They must have their dad's behind.

 When we got home, Emily's room had been "heart attacked". She was so thrilled. It was something she really needed. A girl from Y.W. did this for her. That kindness just warms my heart. Emily  doesn't want to take anything down. It made her feel so special. Thank you for making my baby girl feel so loved on this day about love. She has had a wonderful day and I love watching my girl smile and shine!



It Still Hurts

When You Lose a Baby
February 5, 2012 By Franchesca


You don’t know what to expect.


People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.
When You Lose a Baby



You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.


You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.


And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.


You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.


It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.


You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.


You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.

The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.


Forever.


You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.




You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.


You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.




You swear you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.




You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.


Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.


You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.




You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.




You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.




Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.




People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.




You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.




There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.


You lose friends. You find new ones.




You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.


You would do anything for another minute with your child.




You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.




You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.




You want to know what went wrong, and why…




You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.


You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.




You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.


You learn to live with the pain.


You are better for having known them at all.

My Sweet Sarah Marie's Casket

I stole this post from my dear friend who has also lost a baby. I never steal posts, but this one just hit me so powerfully today and described my feelings so perfectly, that I wanted to share. Until I read this today, I never really knew others felt "phantom kicks".  I have had them many more times than I can count. Sometimes it made me feel like I was crazy. The formula, coupons and magazines still come 2 1/2 year later. Sometimes, I avoid the cemetery because I feel like her spirit is with us at home. Sometimes I go and feel just fine, but on other days like this week, I go and it hurts so bad I can hardly bare it. Sometimes, I want to dig up the ground and hold her tiny body in my arms again. I remember her tiny white coffin and the last time I had to leave her in it and close the lid. I remember watching her die in my arms as she gasped for more breath. I wanted someone to help her, do something, but no one did anything, but wait for her to die. I am forever changed by the life of my sweet Sarah. The impact of her life and death has made me into a different version of myself. Some things are good and some things I am still trying to desperately overcome. I love you Sarah Marie and will miss you everyday until that glorious day when we are reunited. A piece of my heart is missing until then.

December 2011

 December was a lot of fun!!! Emily had her clogging performance. She did so good! When her music started she just shined. A true performer.

 One of our favorite families came to support Emily. We just love them!

 Emily & Dennis

 My mom & Annabelle

Since we were going out of town for Christmas we did a little celebration at home before we left.

 Since Emily loves manatees so much, we adopted one for her. Her name is Ariel and Emily loves her. She lives off the coast of Florida.

 Dennis loves the temple and every year we get him a calendar.

 Christopher

 I am so proud of Joseph this year. He worked and earned money on his own and bought each person in our family and his friends presents all on his own. He bought me some nice perfume and a beautiful necklace. He loved doing this and felt so good doing everything on his own. What a lucky mom I am!!!

 Andrew, Stephanie, Christine and their dog Ippo

These are my big kids! I didn't get to spend Christmas with them because we were out of town, but Dennis sent me this picture of them since he didn't come with us either. I love these kids and feel so blessed to be in their lives!

Joseph & Emily

 The beach in Huntington was just beautiful. The weather was perfect!

Tommy & Joseph

 I went with my friend Jamie one time just her and I and one time we took our kids. I took my nephew, Tommy with us too!

 Joseph & Charles

Joseph just loves my friend's son, Charles. They are best buds and had a couple sleepovers.

Emily & Logan

 I got to spend some time with one of my best friends, Stephanie. She has been there for all the hardest, darkest days of my life and I love her so much. We went to the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach. We went with her two kids, Logan and Megan!

Megan, Logan & Emily

 Christopher & Carter

 Emily & Carter

 Joseph & Carter

 This is my brother and his new baby, Carter Taft Moore. He was only a couple weeks old when we got to see him. My brother and his wife have been married for 14 years and have struggled with fertility that whole time. Carter is a little miracle. He is so cute. I am so happy for my brother and SIL. They will be wonderful parents. I am excited to watch my brother be a dad. He will be the best dad ever. We are all in love with that sweet little baby!

Tommy, Emily, Grandma, Joseph

I took my nephew and my kids to visit my grandma. She is my dad's mom. Before I moved we went out to lunch every week to Ruby's. So we all headed there to "our" place. I love my grandma and miss her.

Christopher, Joseph, Papa, Grandma, Emily, Tami (Josh's Aunt who we also adore!)

We also went to visit Josh's grandparents. They are wonderful people and we love them. I felt so happy to be in their home with them. Josh and I used to live two doors down from them for a while. I didn't realize how much I missed them and also how much closer they make me feel to Josh. Papa found a fishing pole in the garage he had bought for Josh when he was little and it even had Josh's name on it. He put a bow on it and gave it to Joseph. Joseph was so excited to get this fishing pole that was his dad's. I teared up. It was perfect for Joseph and how he has been feeling this year. What a blessing. I just love Josh's family.

 Landen

 Kendry

Landen and Kendry are Christopher's little brother's. Joseph and Emily also consider them brother's. Christopher's step-mom is a kind and wonderful person. She wants all the kids to grow up as siblings. I love it and we all love those little boys. Joseph and Emily stayed with them for a few days. They love to stay there. Jessica, (Chris' step-mom) takes such good, loving care of my kids. The boys call Emily Sissy and she LOVES that.

 My bestie, Jamie made the most wonderful Christmas eve dinner for us. She set the table so fancy and nice. The food was AMAZING!!!! They really outdid themselves. The dinner was lovely. I also got to spend some fun time with Jamie without kids. We had a beautiful day at the beach and walked over to Harbor House for a delicious lunch. We also had a dinner and a movie date. We love this family and consider them our family.

 Emily, Maryn, Joseph, and Charles

Jamie made her delicious, famous, gingerbread cookies for the kids to decorate. I wanted to stay later, but Emily was wiped and Keeping her rested is a vital part of keeping her sane. She only had a few little meltdowns, but over the course of the trip she did very well!

Now this is my nephew, Rowdy! He is so stinkn' cute. He will be one in a couple weeks. He is my sister's little boy. Her older son is Tommy!

We went to Knott's Berry Farm on Christmas Eve with my sister and her family. The lines were pretty short and my kids LOVE the big roller coasters. We saw Snoopy on Ice and ate lunch at their yummy chicken restaurant! We had a relaxing and fun day!

 My sister with Rowdy

 Emily, Tommy, Joseph, and Rowdy

On Christmas we went to my sister's house. Santa brought Emily the Barbie camper and a lot of other Barbie stuff.

 Joseph was thrilled with Santa. He got an ipad 2. Santa must be crazy!

Santa visited Christopher early. He got an iphone for both Christmas and his 20th birthday. That also happened this month. I took him out for a date night and we had a good time.

Rowdy just loved what Santa got him!

Tommy got an ipod touch. All three big boys looked so funny sitting on the couch together, each staring at their screens. My sister and her husband made a delicious breakfast and dinner. My mom was there with us too. We had a very nice day.

 My sister is a hair stylist. She has her own chair at a fancy salon in downtown Huntington Beach. She took my mom, Emily and me to the salon when it was closed and did all of our hair. It was so fun getting our hair done. She does an excellent job and our hair looks wonderful!

Emily & Brandy (my sister)

I just love being an aunt. My sister let my nephew, Tommy come to our hotel for a couple sleepovers. He had never slept away from home before. We went swimming, the beach, miniature golf, go karts and a picnic at the park. It was so much fun!!! I miss him so much. I love all of these people so much. It is so hard to divide my time between them all. Even 10 days wasn't enough to get my fix! It was a great trip!